Its no secret, I like Thom. He is well, I feel way out of my league and most of the time I think he is aware of that too. There are a lot of qualities that I like about him. Him being a sexy piece of man hunk on my arm at events is certainly one of many perks. That and he gets me… sometimes. Hes smart, and nerdy, has wit and charm and often acts like he is 5 years old, in both good and bad ways. We can have all the scientific conversations that I love, and we both like to stimulate our brains in the same ways. He is a fabulous lay, which you should already know all about that, but my insecurities eat away at me constantly when I’m around him.

He has been on this body image kick thing, and while I’m happy with myself, I mean of course loosing weight would be nice but its not an over bearing concern of mine, not like it is for Thom. He talks about how we need to change my eating habits, that I don’t eat healthy, and he mentions the gym and getting out and running and stuff. I just feel like he isn’t happy with my body. But I don’t quite know why he keeps coming back. Why he even enjoys hanging out with me. I feel like I’m not smart enough for him, not goal oriented enough(mostly because I lost all my goals). I’m not funny enough or as good of a lay as he is, that and I’m not sexy. He is sexy, I’m just cute. Yes when I’m around Thom, I feel more like a warm body each and every day. Like somehow he lost his friends along the way and that just leaves me to hang out with. I feel like he isn’t choosing to hang out with me, its just all thats left at the end of the day.

For the longest time I had wanted a relationship from him. I feel that despite the fact that I’m not hot, or sexy, or a size 4, even a size 14, we get each other on a level that no one else can truly understand. That’s really what I find attractive about him, the one main reason I liked him so much. He gets me, and we are romantic towards each other. Everyone else that has gotten me, well they were my friends. My boyfriends or romantic involvements usually meant that they liked me but they didn’t get me.

The problem is the more I hang around Thom, the more I feel like we are getting closer to very good friends that fuck, and father away from a romantic relationship. We don’t kiss anymore, cuddling has gone out the window and we are just comfortable around each other, the way friends are. I know thats an important foundation for a great relationship but, I get the feeling more and more that I’m just a warm body until something better comes along. I’m sure we will always be close friends but I just don’t see him wanting me any other way. I just feel like a settlement at this point. Nothing worked out with the ones I wanted so I’ll just take this one until one comes along that wants me and I actually want them.

Its sad because my heart keeps telling me that I want to wait, I want to ride it out, see if he does want me in more than a friends way. But my brain is telling me that its the Larry thing all over again. I’m going to be seen as just the friend, not the girlfriend. He cares I know that he cares but, so did Larry. The only difference was that Thom and I started our relationship on a sexual level. It only seems normal to continue that relationship but add on by becoming friends. I was just really hoping that he could one day see me like he saw all those other women that broke his heart. I wish he would know that I wouldn’t break his heart. That I know more about him and how he feels than anyone else and I care to much about him to jump into something that could hurt us both. I don’t feel like it would be like that but I think his reasoning for not getting into a relationship with me is that he doesn’t want one… with me but someone else. Thats the hard truth to accept.

Tomorrow my father nails the final nail into the coffin of our family. He marries the woman that drove the spike between us all. Her family finally becomes his, in the eyes of God, and the Law. My father has decided to marry the wench that broke my family up. The very same wench that says he can not be a father to me. Only love me from afar. I’m at Brians house therefore I’m trying not to draw attention to myself. I’m trying not to cry and not to break down and loose it, though its building up at the surface.

I was dropped from school this week. I haven’t been going and I seriously fucked up. Only my father and mother and grandmother will see it this way however. Me… I’m fine with it. I’m fine with taking some time off from school and working full time, not having to worry about all the pressure and the shit behind it. I do have to tell my father though, and grandma Judy. That should be a blast

I mean dad already thinks his kids are a disappointment, and I wish that I could have changed that for him. I wish that I could have been better, more like Diane and her bloody kids, who they are all proud of and no matter what, we can not live up to them. He can brag about her kids after tomorrow. I just want my father back… is that too much to ask. The man that used to call me twice a week. That actually cared about my life. Who actually cared about me as a person. Who actually wanted to spend time with me. Just me, maybe even nick and josh… but no, he can’t be bothered to spend time with us, not when he has his precious new wife. No, he doesn’t have any time.

My father is dead, yet there is some person who looks like him, and sounds like him, and talks like him but he doesn’t act like him and he certainly isn’t the same person I remember. I miss him alot.

Lately I feel like there are just things that I’m being forced to accept. Things that if you play by the rules, then you should be happy. Like not getting too close or attached to a certain guy. To play the cool card, the I’m not really all that into you just slightly. The yeah I don’t want a relationship card, yadyad. The truth is that, I’ve been snowed in, since yesterday and prolly all day tomorrow and I just wish that I had been snowed in with someone, anyone at this point but it would be nice to be in a relationship. I’m ready. I miss bubba so much sometimes because he was the only thing I’ve had that is close to a normal relationship. I feel like Chris and I could get there but I just can’t read him. I never know if he wants the attention of yes I like you bla bla bla or if he likes the distance I give him. That I don’t talk to him every day, that we see each other once a week or maybe not at all. I am unsure what he thinks and how he feels because he is just like me, trying to hide his every wish so he doesn’t seem weak or too clingy or emotional.

The other thing is that christmas is a week away. Although it is true its prolly my favorite holiday, well actually they all seem to be, mostly because of the family background that I grew up with. This makes the holidays slightly unbearable.  I miss my mother and father being under one roof, and I don’t think I’ll ever fully get over that. Well one day but lets face it, thats 18 christmases, 18 birthdays, 18 thanksgivings, 18 valentines days. it sort of out ranks the soon to be 4 christmases we have spent as a divorced family.

This week has been a very emotional week. On Sunday I found out I was pregnant. Wednesday I found out that actually I was 4 weeks pregnant and that I was actually having a miscarriage.  Although this seems like a good thing, the truth is that I can not wait to start my own family. I can’t wait until I can have back what I have lost. Though this might deter any sort of boy chances I have, I just know what I want with my life. I am pretty sure this is one reason I like chris so much. He is older, and ready to star tlooking for that person to settle down with, the more I know about him the more I find that we fit. That in 3 years I’ll be 26 and he will be 30, and ready for some chillins… me too. I just need a glimpse of that start… of the idea of finding someone that I can start a family with in 4 or 5 years. A family that I can have my traditions with since I don’t have them anymore. As I get older christmas feels less and less like christmas.

My mother calls me at least 5 times a day now, and this weekend she wanted me to go home to winchester and knowing that I have to work tomorrow I said no, but there is no way that I will be able to go anywhere, there is at least 4 feet high and 5 feet wide pile of snow and ice behind my car where the plow came through and blocked me in. I tried to dig out my car, and move it but it won’t budge and then I walked the streets and even if I got my car out there is no way it would go down those roads. I’m going to be stuck here another day and its killing me. I have all the time in the world to think about my life, to worry about my classes and my grades, and to be miserable at how alone I am. How there is no one in the world close to me to even watch a freaking movie with. Not that I could get to them anyways.

I think that everyone misses their exs at the holidays… because they feel alone if they are single, and that loneliness is catching on to everyone.

Oh btw Allison says she is coming up for New Years Eve… this I am really excited about because I haven’t seen her in forever and I miss her terribly. Now I have to find something to do for new years eve… I am thinking of throwing a party at my house but where would I have it there is furniture everywhere. Who knows I need to find out what Alaina and Alex and Joe and Larry and Storm and Justin are all doing… to make an informed decision. That and I need to tell chris that I can’t go to his party with him. I am not sure how upsetting this will be for him if it will be a oh ok oh well or a disappointment.  I do wish I was with him this new years though because I do want to kiss someone, again.

Well Life is just a huge game of lets make a deal. You make choices and decisions and based on those decisions you give up something to get something. I play lets make a deal each and every day and most days I take the wrong deal. My life lately I just cant’ stop making the wrong choice. I can’t stop being irresponsible. I try but something in my head screams no don’t do that just do what you want. I’m torn between doing what I know I’m supposed to do, what I’ve been told to do most of my life and what I want to do. What my core is telling me to do.

I went and had dinner with my grandmother and aunt the other day and we were talking about my situation. About me graduating which now I don’t even think they will be here for. They asked me what kind of job I want when I graduate and the truth is I don’t want a job. I don’t want to work in the web design world. I’m not good enough and I don’t know enough to do that. I want to go to school for a masters in writing or English or something more meaning full.  Getting a job in the web design world well its going to mean that I have to live in the city. It means the person I have to become is one that has to stay in the loop. I’m not sure I want that.

I’m graduating soon, and the lets make a deal game is becoming over bearing, but there isn’t anything I can do about it.

Currently he lives with me, and he has lived with me since August. And since that time I have fallen completely out of love. Lost those ideas to the wind and laugh at the thought that it could still be. But since I no longer feel that way, no longer treat him special, I can’t help but wonder whats up with him. He was all set on dating when he got here, but some how hasn’t managed to secure a single date. He says its because he doesn’t want to bring them back to my apartment but I’m no so sure. I just stopped noticing things about him. What he does, where he goes, what he talks about really. All those little things that I did naturally because I was in love with him. Now, I have bigger problems and bigger things to worry about.  But there are these moments and that small part of me that will always want us to work out, well that person is still aware sometimes. It happens when he says things, or does something, something small but personal. I can’t quite make sure if its that he, is just being nice, or what it is. But its the little things that I noticed when I had feelings for someone.

Any who there is a boy. And honestly hes a jerk, a real duche. Makes plans and then cancels them, blows me off just wants sex. He isn’t even that attractive honestly and sex was good the first two times but now, its just all about him. He is a selfish lover and person. But for some reason I answer his calls, still make plans to see him, still want him in my life. And again its for the potential. That he could be a good boyfriend, a great one if only he would commit to being in my life. But then again I totally got burned on the last one I said that about. Maybe there is never a could be. Never potential, only what is and what is is that yes we talked about a lot of nice lovely things we could do if we were together but I don’t think I’ll be the girl that he will do those things with, I just don’t think that he will turn into much of anything.

Not really sure what to do about that.

A lot of things were changing in my life, no longer was I being sheltered by my parents, I was free to explore. Unfortunately they decided I need to explore something different, them separated.  Since then life has been moving on as it always does and we have learned how to cope with our new family. Granite we don’t do it gracefully but we are working our best. I took a long hard look at my life, and well myself the other day and although I do not like the girl I see in the mirror I’m trying to figure out what caused this girl to be, and how I can change it. You have to know the root of it before you can fix it after all.

While I was thinking, and looking, I saw that really, I’m a liar. I lie all the time, it becomes second nature at this point. I lie about where I’m going, what I’ve done, who I’ve been with, if I was at school why I wasn’t at school. Just seems that everything that comes out of my mouth is a lie. I never used to be that way, and it has gotten bad. A little white lie every now and then is ok but this is every day all day long. I was thinking, and have been thinking for about two weeks now how this came to be and how I can stop it.

My light bulb just came on. When my parents split, and we went through that whole ordeal, I didn’t deal with it. They took me to a shrink like once but that didn’t work out too well. So I did what I had to to move on, to let the world know I was ok and to stop pestering me. So, as I called it in a poem once I pulled out this mask and I played the part. Now that part has become my life. Lying to make people feel better, lying to make them think certain things of me.  I’ve been putting on this mask for so long that I’ve become it, and frankly its an ugly face and I want to get rid of it.

I will fall apart because at this point it has gone so deep into me this whole parents splitting up thing and really its not just that its my dad and how he went about it. How he managed to break our family up and the things he is doing now. Its like as soon as I start to get over a small part of it, start to trust him and let him back in he screws up again. And I just can’t, I can’t just go back I can’t just say yeah your my dad bla bla bla. Hes not, and he doesn’t act like it. My father acts like we, my brothers and I are sloppy seconds. A terrible reminder of the family he destroyed. So what does he do, oh yeah he gets a brand new shinny one. One that doesn’t remind him of his past life, the one where he fucked up.

I just never thought I was replacable but apparently I am. Apparently I’m not worth keeping just kicking to the curb. I worked so hard to be something, someone that my parents could be proud of. My whole life has been for that purpose. I get married to the right guy, produce the best grand kids, the smart ones. Get a good job, be the best in my class. Get good grades finish college, get a masters, travel be something. Now whats the point. My dad has new kids to be proud of. New people to care about and suddenly they are better then me. He tells me to aspire to be more like them. Its not like they are better than me, its just that they are her kids therefore making them better.

My dad is planning to propose. Technically this woman will be my new stepmother. Joy. He is buying a house and although this doesn’t bother me, the thing that does bother me is that while he is showing me pictures of this so called house, I feel like he just took pictures of the house he left. The same style, look, deck, basement, entryway. How can you leave a house, leave your family get a new one and then buy the same house. The house we made our home in. The one you left, to build your new, better family in and you buy the same damn house.

The point is, I’m a mess. And to get better, I have to deal with my father issues. To date I have to deal with my father and trust issues. To have my life back, I have to get rid of the mask, and to do that I have to show people, the truth. That I’m not ok. I don’t know how long it will take me to be ok but its been 4 years and I’m just now deciding that I need some help. That I can not do this alone. I can’t just move on, accept, get over it. I can’t.